I've really noticed lately that a lot of people are trying to give me unsolicited weight loss advice. Even complete strangers have taken to approaching me with a story of "this guy" they know that lost a bunch of weight on some pill or shake or doing some obscure exercise people in some far off country did hundreds of years ago. I appreciate the sentiment, I really do, but at this point in my life, I know what I should be doing. I know all kinds of different techniques to apply to it.
I just don't do it.
Don't get me wrong, I would love to drop some weight. I NEED to drop some weight, but, up until recently, it has been exceedingly difficult, mainly due to my complete lack of energy, and, therefore, care. Yes. I'm using my sleep apnea as an excuse.
That's not even really all of it, though. I've been kind of analyzing my approach to eating. To most people, food is viewed as fuel. I don't really approach it that way. To me food is comfort. Food gives me something to enjoy and experience.
Even moreso, its an experience I control. In this aspect, food is my drug.
I am not a person of exceeding confidence. I have very little self worth and I constantly think of myself as a failure at the whims of the world of failure I've created. This isn't a totally persistent feeling, but its there, and it knows how to rear its ugly head. When this happens, when I feel like I'm losing control, I get hungry. Its not even a hunger of need, or a desire to be satiated. Its a hunger born out of a desire to control something. So I eat, and I get pleasure from that eating, so I eat the things that give me the most pleasure, and those are never good things.
Its not that I cognitively eat to feel a sense of control. I eat because I think I'm hungry. Only later do I realize what I did, especially when I have a stomach ache because I ate when I wasn't really hungry.
This is a behavior I'm working on, but its going to take time before I nip it in the bud, especially since I don't notice myself doing it all the time. I'm not asking anyone to fix it for me, either. I'm just putting my point of view out there so maybe some people can consider it.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
1 Year Later
I just went back and read my first post. Its hard to believe that it has been just over a year now, since I left for this dismal place. A lot has happened, and, yet, nothing has happened. Its weird.
I did find work. It isn't what I thought I would be doing, and it certainly doesn't pay anywhere near what I wanted to get paid, but its something better than I had, and its better than what I can find right now. I'm working in a man camp, currently as a kitchen worker, but that job title could change at the drop of a hat, and has. I make $10 an hour, which is half of what I thought I would be making. I work 85 hours per week, which is about what I thought I would be working, and its 6 weeks on, 2 weeks off, which is also something I expected. Yes, those 6 weeks are 7 days a week. Yes, it can get very rough.
I have improved my finances a bit in the last year. One credit card is paid completely off, and the other is getting close. One student loan is current, another is within striking distance of being eliminated, but the 3rd one is still past due. I really need to reel in the spending on ancillary crap, and I slowly am, but I have quite a bit of room to go.
I did end up with health insurance, which has been the biggest victory of this entire adventure. I finally got officially diagnosed with Severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea. I was prescribed a BiPAP (Bi-level positive air pressure) machine to treat it, which has given me some amazing nights of sleep, and has virtually eliminated my daytime sleepiness. I don't fall asleep constantly and I have more energy. I've even lost some weight!
Mentally, I'm still kind of iffy. I still lack a lot of self-worth. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I think I have depression. I'm going to look into getting that checked on my next break, I think. Its hard to explain via a blog post, but given the research I've done, I'm pretty sure this is the case.
Overall I'm not entirely happy with my job. It is nothing like I expected it to be and I work entirely too hard for the little I take home. Not that I'm afraid of hard work, but for how crappy I feel at the end of 6 weeks, it almost seems not worth it. I'm really growing weary of the long drives and the wear and tear on my car, but I can't justify spending half a paycheck on a round trip plane ticket.
I AM looking for work in Illinois, but its been pretty slow going. I'm not in a rush, since I do have a job with benefits, but if the right thing comes along, I may just have to pounce on it.
Overall I guess I'm in better shape than I was a year ago. Here's to hoping the next year leaves me a bit better off again.
I did find work. It isn't what I thought I would be doing, and it certainly doesn't pay anywhere near what I wanted to get paid, but its something better than I had, and its better than what I can find right now. I'm working in a man camp, currently as a kitchen worker, but that job title could change at the drop of a hat, and has. I make $10 an hour, which is half of what I thought I would be making. I work 85 hours per week, which is about what I thought I would be working, and its 6 weeks on, 2 weeks off, which is also something I expected. Yes, those 6 weeks are 7 days a week. Yes, it can get very rough.
I have improved my finances a bit in the last year. One credit card is paid completely off, and the other is getting close. One student loan is current, another is within striking distance of being eliminated, but the 3rd one is still past due. I really need to reel in the spending on ancillary crap, and I slowly am, but I have quite a bit of room to go.
I did end up with health insurance, which has been the biggest victory of this entire adventure. I finally got officially diagnosed with Severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea. I was prescribed a BiPAP (Bi-level positive air pressure) machine to treat it, which has given me some amazing nights of sleep, and has virtually eliminated my daytime sleepiness. I don't fall asleep constantly and I have more energy. I've even lost some weight!
Mentally, I'm still kind of iffy. I still lack a lot of self-worth. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I think I have depression. I'm going to look into getting that checked on my next break, I think. Its hard to explain via a blog post, but given the research I've done, I'm pretty sure this is the case.
Overall I'm not entirely happy with my job. It is nothing like I expected it to be and I work entirely too hard for the little I take home. Not that I'm afraid of hard work, but for how crappy I feel at the end of 6 weeks, it almost seems not worth it. I'm really growing weary of the long drives and the wear and tear on my car, but I can't justify spending half a paycheck on a round trip plane ticket.
I AM looking for work in Illinois, but its been pretty slow going. I'm not in a rush, since I do have a job with benefits, but if the right thing comes along, I may just have to pounce on it.
Overall I guess I'm in better shape than I was a year ago. Here's to hoping the next year leaves me a bit better off again.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Its Been Awhile...
I'm a slave to my emotions.
Its a curse, really. I can't help but to feel the way I do and sometimes it really gets to me.
I'm back in North Dakota for another 6-week trip, and this whole thing is not what I expected it to be. I was hoping for a job that I would be able to tolerate, in a friendly environment, making good money. Ok, well, originally I wanted a tough job in the Oil Fields, but when it became obvious that wasn't going to happen, I really wanted this job I have now. I never expected to be passed around as much as I have been, from department to department, facility to facility. Every time I change I meet new people and have to learn a new job, so it can be kind of stressful. But I'm not above that. Its a job, and jobs aren't meant to be easy.
What I didn't count on was how lonely I would feel. Every time I come back from my 2 week break I feel awful. I get pretty depressed and homesick. That's the part I can't control. If I had my way I would just show up, do my 6 weeks and that would be it, but for the first week or so I am miserable. It gets worse every trip, too.
My work environment kind of sucks, too. I mean, yes, it could be much worse, I will be the first to admit that. But these people I work for are clueless. Management changes things just for the sake of changing them, with no rhyme or reason. There is an entire culture of secrecy, where management won't tell the workers what is going on, and we are usually left to guess what is happening even after it already happened. Personally, I have been transferred to a new facility twice, and within those facilities, I have not done the same job for more than 2 weeks. They even switched me to nights and gave me 9 hours notice. None of these transfers and changes were asked for. They didn't ask what I wanted, and I did not ask for them, they were just given to me.
When you add those 2 factors, plus working 12 hours a day EVERY single day, and the fact that there is nothing to do to blow off steam, you get a very stressed out Josh. I'm simply tired of being here. The big thing keeping me here is my medical insurance, and the fact that I have to have a job to support myself. I'm currently trying to find a job in IL, but its slow going.
I know. I'm being a wuss. Things could be much worse, and at least I have a job. Like I said, if I could just stop feeling like this, I would, but this is how I feel and I have to deal with it
Part of me wonders how much of this feeling is me being depressed over my current position in life. I have no real direction. Its really obvious to me as I look for a job and I don't qualify for a lot of them because I didn't finish college and I don't have a marketable skill. I don't want to be stuck working low paying jobs for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do. Going back to school right now really isn't an option because of student loan debt.
But this is where I am, and this is what I have to deal with. I'll get through it, I'll just whine and complain the whole way, because that seems to be who I am right now. Its my way of dealing with it, I guess. I'm really thankful for all my friends that listen to my crap. It really does help me.
That's pretty much it. I'm going to try to update this more often. I know a lot of people have beeitn asking me to do that. It really tough to get the motivation to write a post after working all day. Usually all I want to do is have dinner and go to bed, but I will try.
Until next time...
I'm back in North Dakota for another 6-week trip, and this whole thing is not what I expected it to be. I was hoping for a job that I would be able to tolerate, in a friendly environment, making good money. Ok, well, originally I wanted a tough job in the Oil Fields, but when it became obvious that wasn't going to happen, I really wanted this job I have now. I never expected to be passed around as much as I have been, from department to department, facility to facility. Every time I change I meet new people and have to learn a new job, so it can be kind of stressful. But I'm not above that. Its a job, and jobs aren't meant to be easy.
What I didn't count on was how lonely I would feel. Every time I come back from my 2 week break I feel awful. I get pretty depressed and homesick. That's the part I can't control. If I had my way I would just show up, do my 6 weeks and that would be it, but for the first week or so I am miserable. It gets worse every trip, too.
My work environment kind of sucks, too. I mean, yes, it could be much worse, I will be the first to admit that. But these people I work for are clueless. Management changes things just for the sake of changing them, with no rhyme or reason. There is an entire culture of secrecy, where management won't tell the workers what is going on, and we are usually left to guess what is happening even after it already happened. Personally, I have been transferred to a new facility twice, and within those facilities, I have not done the same job for more than 2 weeks. They even switched me to nights and gave me 9 hours notice. None of these transfers and changes were asked for. They didn't ask what I wanted, and I did not ask for them, they were just given to me.
When you add those 2 factors, plus working 12 hours a day EVERY single day, and the fact that there is nothing to do to blow off steam, you get a very stressed out Josh. I'm simply tired of being here. The big thing keeping me here is my medical insurance, and the fact that I have to have a job to support myself. I'm currently trying to find a job in IL, but its slow going.
I know. I'm being a wuss. Things could be much worse, and at least I have a job. Like I said, if I could just stop feeling like this, I would, but this is how I feel and I have to deal with it
Part of me wonders how much of this feeling is me being depressed over my current position in life. I have no real direction. Its really obvious to me as I look for a job and I don't qualify for a lot of them because I didn't finish college and I don't have a marketable skill. I don't want to be stuck working low paying jobs for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do. Going back to school right now really isn't an option because of student loan debt.
But this is where I am, and this is what I have to deal with. I'll get through it, I'll just whine and complain the whole way, because that seems to be who I am right now. Its my way of dealing with it, I guess. I'm really thankful for all my friends that listen to my crap. It really does help me.
That's pretty much it. I'm going to try to update this more often. I know a lot of people have beeitn asking me to do that. It really tough to get the motivation to write a post after working all day. Usually all I want to do is have dinner and go to bed, but I will try.
Until next time...
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