Food is my drug

I've really noticed lately that a lot of people are trying to give me unsolicited weight loss advice.  Even complete strangers have taken to approaching me with a story of "this guy" they know that lost a bunch of weight on some pill or shake or doing some obscure exercise people in some far off country did hundreds of years ago.  I appreciate the sentiment, I really do, but at this point in my life, I know what I should be doing. I know all kinds of different techniques to apply to it.

I just don't do it.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to drop some weight.  I NEED to drop some weight, but, up until recently, it has been exceedingly difficult, mainly due to my complete lack of energy, and, therefore, care.  Yes.  I'm using my sleep apnea as an excuse.

That's not even really all of it, though.  I've been kind of analyzing my approach to eating. To most people, food is viewed as fuel. I don't really approach it that way.  To me food is comfort.  Food gives me something to enjoy and experience.

Even moreso, its an experience I control. In this aspect, food is my drug.

I am not a person of exceeding confidence.  I have very little self worth and I constantly think of myself as a failure at the whims of the world of failure I've created.  This isn't a totally persistent feeling, but its there, and it knows how to rear its ugly head.  When this happens, when I feel like I'm losing control, I get hungry.  Its not even a hunger of need, or a desire to be satiated. Its a hunger born out of a desire to control something.  So I eat, and I get pleasure from that eating, so I eat the things that give me the most pleasure, and those are never good things.

Its not that I cognitively eat to feel a sense of control.  I eat because I think I'm hungry. Only later do I realize what I did, especially when I have a stomach ache because I ate when I wasn't really hungry.

This is a behavior I'm working on, but its going to take time before I nip it in the bud, especially since I don't notice myself doing it all the time.  I'm not asking anyone to fix it for me, either. I'm just putting my point of view out there so maybe some people can consider it.