Food is my drug

I've really noticed lately that a lot of people are trying to give me unsolicited weight loss advice.  Even complete strangers have taken to approaching me with a story of "this guy" they know that lost a bunch of weight on some pill or shake or doing some obscure exercise people in some far off country did hundreds of years ago.  I appreciate the sentiment, I really do, but at this point in my life, I know what I should be doing. I know all kinds of different techniques to apply to it.

I just don't do it.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to drop some weight.  I NEED to drop some weight, but, up until recently, it has been exceedingly difficult, mainly due to my complete lack of energy, and, therefore, care.  Yes.  I'm using my sleep apnea as an excuse.

That's not even really all of it, though.  I've been kind of analyzing my approach to eating. To most people, food is viewed as fuel. I don't really approach it that way.  To me food is comfort.  Food gives me something to enjoy and experience.

Even moreso, its an experience I control. In this aspect, food is my drug.

I am not a person of exceeding confidence.  I have very little self worth and I constantly think of myself as a failure at the whims of the world of failure I've created.  This isn't a totally persistent feeling, but its there, and it knows how to rear its ugly head.  When this happens, when I feel like I'm losing control, I get hungry.  Its not even a hunger of need, or a desire to be satiated. Its a hunger born out of a desire to control something.  So I eat, and I get pleasure from that eating, so I eat the things that give me the most pleasure, and those are never good things.

Its not that I cognitively eat to feel a sense of control.  I eat because I think I'm hungry. Only later do I realize what I did, especially when I have a stomach ache because I ate when I wasn't really hungry.

This is a behavior I'm working on, but its going to take time before I nip it in the bud, especially since I don't notice myself doing it all the time.  I'm not asking anyone to fix it for me, either. I'm just putting my point of view out there so maybe some people can consider it.

1 Year Later

I just went back and read my first post.  Its hard to believe that it has been just over a year now, since I left for this dismal place.  A lot has happened, and, yet, nothing has happened.  Its weird.

I did find work. It isn't what I thought I would be doing, and it certainly doesn't pay anywhere near what I wanted to get paid, but its something better than I had, and its better than what I can find right now.  I'm working in a man camp, currently as a kitchen worker, but that job title could change at the drop of a hat, and has.  I make $10 an hour, which is half of what I thought I would be making.  I work 85 hours per week, which is about what I thought I would be working, and its 6 weeks on, 2 weeks off, which is also something I expected.  Yes, those 6 weeks are 7 days a week.  Yes, it can get very rough.

I have improved my finances a bit in the last year.  One credit card is paid completely off, and the other is getting close.  One student loan is current, another is within striking distance of being eliminated, but the 3rd one is still past due.  I really need to reel in the spending on ancillary crap, and I slowly am, but I have quite a bit of room to go.

I did end up with health insurance, which has been the biggest victory of this entire adventure.  I finally got officially diagnosed with Severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea.  I was prescribed a BiPAP (Bi-level positive air pressure) machine to treat it, which has given me some amazing nights of sleep, and has virtually eliminated my daytime sleepiness.  I don't fall asleep constantly and I have more energy.  I've even lost some weight!

Mentally, I'm still kind of iffy.  I still lack a lot of self-worth.  I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I think I have depression.  I'm going to look into getting that checked on my next break, I think.  Its hard to explain via a blog post, but given the research I've done, I'm pretty sure this is the case.

Overall I'm not entirely happy with my job.  It is nothing like I expected it to be and I work entirely too hard for the little I take home.  Not that I'm afraid of hard work, but for how crappy I feel at the end of 6 weeks, it almost seems not worth it.  I'm really growing weary of the long drives and the wear and tear on my car, but I can't justify spending half a paycheck on a round trip plane ticket.

I AM looking for work in Illinois, but its been pretty slow going.  I'm not in a rush, since I do have a job with benefits, but if the right thing comes along, I may just have to pounce on it.

Overall I guess I'm in better shape than I was a year ago.  Here's to hoping the next year leaves me a bit better off again.